Hello! It is my hope that this message can spare you many years of heartache. If someone would have graced me with the experience of what I am about to share with you, it may have saved me almost twenty years of pain. Let your freedom begin, now.
This is a photograph taken after my dad had open heart surgery, at a family reunion.
In December 1994, Christmas had passed and in a few days, my two boys would be going to their grandpa's, my dad's. We had already had Christmas at my dad and Linda's house. It was the first year that we had spent Christmas day with my dad. Why? My mom had passed away earlier that year in March. My brother, sister, and I had always spent Christmas day with her, since their divorce. We had scheduled a special time for my boys to spend with my dad, as my dad and Linda hardly ever got to see the boys. Much time and care was taken so that the boys could spend some time with my dad, Fred, and Linda.
A few days before they were to go, I got a call from Linda. She said to me, "Michelle don't bother bringing the boys over." I instantly felt sick to my stomach. I didn't say anything as she continued to speak. I was then informed that I would never be allowed over to their house ever again. I had no idea why she was saying the things she was saying? It was as if she was telling a story about me that I never knew. The anger, disapproval, and accusations, filled the airways through the phone and I had no idea why?
At the end of being told about their attitudes towards me, I was told, I needed God! I hung up the phone, fell in a heap on the floor, and started crying tears that would last over the coarse of almost twenty years. I cannot even begin to describe how I felt, but it was as though I fell into a dark hole of lifelessness. Pulling myself off from the floor was almost impossible. I groped from day to night, and felt as though someone had just removed all the life out of my body. Breathing became a chore and the feeling of death, pain, and incomparable heartache was ever present in my existence.
I was not angry, I was devastated beyond description. Everything in my life went black. I was consumed in an agony that could not be removed. My thoughts were plagued with the heart break, anguish, and severe loss. I was totally ruined with feelings of hopelessness. The thought of not being wanted by a parent was something I never thought I would know. It is a pain that cannot be described.
I did what I always did, tried to push past the pain. I was working, playing, watching movies, drinking, hanging out with friends, laughing, and absorbing myself with my children -- nothing worked and the only thoughts that plagued me throughout this time were thoughts of suicide. I thought daily about ways of dying. I would think to myself, 'If I am really as bad as Linda says, then I should just remove myself from this world, and save a lot of people great pain.' I was plagued with condemning thoughts and no matter what I did, they followed me where ever I went.
After copious contemplation, the day came when I could not go on any longer. The pain, of being rejected, by my own father tormented me like blight. It would not go away. There was no relief. I loved my dad. I wanted my dad in my life more than ever. He was the only parent I had. Now my children had no grandparents on my side. Other people tried to be there for me, but I yearned for someone to really love me. I did not want a substitute. I wanted my dad.
I had tried to find God as Linda suggested, not because she had suggested it, but because I just figured the maker of the Universe maybe could help. Every time I tried to read my Bible, I would get lost in a progression of pain, and could not see the words as my pain blocked them. Finally, the day came, with anger, frustration, and pain, I yelled at God, and said, "if You're real, You'd better reveal Yourself to me now, or I am out of here."
Instantly, the spirit of God came down and started working on me, my heart, and my life. So much happened in that moment that it is hard to describe, but because of what God started that day, I can write this blog. He gave me a reason to live, and revealed some of the answers to the questions I had been asking.
The first thing God showed me was not to blame another person for what was going on in my life. I was the only one who could decide who I was going to be and what decisions I would make. Quite honestly, my relationship with my dad and anyone else, could have been restored that day if I would have believed what Jesus was telling me. The reason it took me twenty years to get beyond the pain was because I just didn't believe I was the problem.
Now to clear up any confusion, I never intentionally did anything to harm my dad. I did not even do what they accused me of doing. However, listen to this and believe it. In order to find healing in our hearts we must accept all responsibility for anything we have done or did not do. Let me put this another way. In order for our hearts to be free of pain, we must change the way we think and respond, in order to bring harmony in our relationships. Being free from pain depends on me and me alone. No one can decide but me, how I choose to feel about things. If I wanted, I could still be hurt today about the words that were spoken to me, about me. Consequently, I have decided to love, regardless of whatever someone says about me.
One of the things that I did was to pray for my dad and Linda. It wasn't until I courageously started praying for a restored relationship that I saw things in a different light. What I have learned about restoration has changed my life completely. Here is what restoration means: The Biblical meaning of restoration is to return all things to their previous pure state. Ancient Hebrew legal definition of restoration was to not only repay what was lost, but to make it better than before. Job received more than he had ever owned after his trials.
The relationship that I had with my father and step-mother was never great. It was strained, unstable, and weak in many areas. Why? I never knew who my dad and Linda were. I treated them like they were the parents and I was the child. I believe in order to have a healthy relationship with anyone, we first must know who the people are. How can we have a great relationship with anyone when we don't invest time in getting to know them? When we care about others, we long to hear about them. We ask many questions and want to hear their point of view. Unfortunately, in most relationships, this is not the case. We all want to be heard and all the while we need to listen.
Again, I never did anything to harm them on purpose. It was this recurring concept that became my stumbling block. I couldn't get beyond my own experience and there was no room to see the other side. It wasn't until God started showing me His viewpoint on certain people and situations, that I could begin to see the light.
Many times we create our own pain. Not by what we do, but by what we do not do. I was too focused on what I did, that I never even contemplated what I didn't do. I did not take the time to go over and see my dad, and ask him, "Why do you feel the way that you do?" Instead, I held onto my pain like it was a trophy, defending my right to feel wounded -- not to others, just in my heart. When we do this, we not only increase our pain, but we set ourselves up to fail in every relationship we encounter. Do yourself a favor and look at who you are and who you are not.
Last summer, the Lord gave me this key. He asked me, "Where in My word does it say anything about how you are to be treated?" Then He said," I only say how you are to treat others." The Bible says in Luke 6:31 "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. 32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. When we truly start to make our world about others, not ourselves, that is when the doors to restoration can come in like a flood. Once I started to believe and respond to that concept, that was when the final keys to what I needed for the restoration process to begin. The final key was to see from my dad's perspective.
Freedom from pain can only begin when we allow God to speak openly with us, letting Him reveal our weaknesses to us, then act on what He has shown us. The minute we act on truth, rather than a preconceived notion, we open the door to freedom in our hearts which allowed me to see my dad's perspective. Once I could see through his eyes, it changed everything. Restoration and freedom is not about agreeing with ideas. It is about seeing, believing, and acting on truth. God gave me the ability to have a deep compassion for my dad and his wife, who had hurt much more than I had believed.
When we love others, we no longer care about the outcome for ourselves. We live to see other lives get better. Removing self-protection from our hearts, or the fear of being hurt again, is the most freeing thing we can ever offer ourselves and others. The concept of loving ourselves, in order to love others, is a misconception. The reality is, we already love ourselves. Our favorite subject is us. We could talk about ourselves all day long. But let's see what God's word says about loving ourselves?
Mark 12:31 says, The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' This does not say, love your neighbor and love yourself. It says, love your neighbor as you love yourself. This implies we already love ourself. I have met thousands of people, and most that I have met, love themselves. So to continue loving ourselves is not the medicine we need. We need to get our eyes off from ourselves, so we might learn how to love others, as much as we love ourselves.
John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. 14 "You are My friends if you do what I command you.…
To have the greater love, we need to lay down our lives for others. It is only when we put our loves, likes, dislikes, wants, and needs on a shelf and go after the needs, likes, loves, etc. of others, that we flow in the restoration process. I wanted my dad to love me, but only when that was no longer a goal, did love come in like a flood. My goal has switched. Instead of living to be loved, I now live to give love.
Once I could see from another point of view, I could not get to my dad fast enough. The moment that I walked into his house almost twenty years later, after the call, all I could think about was how my dad must have felt. How must a person feel whose child never took the time to find out why they would not want to see them. I know what it is like to be a parent and feel like your child could care less about you. It is a heartache extra ordinary.
The only thoughts I had on my way to see him from another state was 'I don't care what they say to me, I won't leave until he knows how much I care.' I only care that he knows he is loved. The moment I laid eyes on him, my heart broke knowing I would allow almost twenty years pass without my dad in my life. Once I let go of me, it opened the doors to be free to love. Free to love the way Jesus loves. His love is perfect.
Here is a photo taken on that day. Restoration is right!
I spent four short hours with my dad, Linda, and my Aunt Marie, (his sister). It was four hours that continues to change my life for the better. What I received when I walked through those doors couldn't be written in a book or embraced in a movie. It was love personified, beyond human imagination. It was completely wrapped in a heavy coat from the armies of heaven with abundance on every side. The hearts of the four of us being healed, and laughter filling the room. Words needed not to be spoken, except, "I love you. Never forget, I have always loved you."
The story continues but this is too precious, too beautiful and too hopeful to keep to myself. I have to share with you, what is waiting in the house of restoration, is only a decision away. If you really want to be free from pain, let go of the past and allow your hearts desire be to love, the only way that is worth loving, like Jesus does. He died so that others might live. No, it does not mean you need to be hung on a cross, it means we put to death all we are, to give way to what others are, so that life can begin again. Be free from pain this day, and love.
